Sensation and separating the story from the facts........

Hey friends,

Just thought to share some personal and vulnerable things as we come to the end of a month exploring sensation every dance. This morning I woke up with a sore throat, very busy mind, bad mood and feeling of ache in my body. It’s a Monday….I have been doing all the driving for my son to school on a highway with lots of traffic and as I went into the kitchen I noticed dishes everywhere, our dishwasher broken, and suddenly a huge story in my mind was forming around why all this was occurring…

After feeling the unpleasant sensations I immediately started creating a story and not only that…..my son woke up also not feeling great and the space between us was being polluted with “my stuff” I really needed to shift. Well, honestly I didn’t “need” too….but was conscious enough to realize I wanted to create very differently. The emotion was irritation, anger, and it was pretty intense. We had lots of deep wonderful dances thru the weekend and I’ve been exploring this anger in its subtly from tightening my jaw, to feeling hips tight and stomach drawn in. This emotion has some energy!!! It’s also related to feeling where I feel “stuck” ……where I fear or feel not enough, or doubt my voice or intelligence, and I see its effect in keeping my quiet when I need to speak up, or even in creating a deep under the surface sabotaging of what I really desire ….She’s a tough one….this anger. I also have a deep respect for her as she often is the one to call out imbalances, she gets the fire burning and creates needed change. She can kick my ass in a good way, when we work together…..She also understands collective stories of others whom feel the burn of being pushed aside, of patriarchal ways of valuing more linear approaches and systems of “doing” vs “being”, systems in our culture of “being seen and not heard” as being more attractive as a female, and the many other beliefs I ingested in order to be loved, accepted, respected……be a certain weight, body type, stand a certain way ( butt out lightly with boobs perky), walk a certain way attract sexual attention ie power as a female ( which I don’t believe now…..but did as younger), do everything to be “pretty” …the makeup, hair color, clothing to show I was free in my body ( tight leggings….bras…all of it)…..What for?? It is my identity as a woman that includes all this history of beliefs that I took on from society and from ancestors. It’s packed with anger…….as I parent two boys growing into health men….on my own….these feeling arise. It’s often interesting to me that at this same time as my kids explore what is the difference of being a boy/and being a man, I am going thru menopause that has me reflecting on what our society teaches us is honored, revered, healthy in being a woman…especially when all those artificial ways of “fitting in” as a women being desired by men fade…….there is some magic in this timing that feels oddly perfect in creating healthy men, at least I hope.

So I sat for a few moments in this contemplation and I matched her energy ( this was in my head…) and screamed psychically……”NOOOOO! YOU MAY NOT LEAD MY BODY TODAY!” I also noticed my body’s sensations were of not breathing deeply, breathing fast and shallow, heat, and tight muscles. I felt also a weird sensation in my sinuses and forehead/eyes. I thought “maybe im fighting being sick”…. but some intelligence deeper than the thinking said say “NO” inside loudly….and also to blow my nose really hard thru both nostrils….like fire breathing??? ……I also said a little prayer to the universe ( after checking in with mySELF to feel what form of this conscious field I was resonating with at the moment. Sometimes it’s GOD, sometimes its cosmic space, other times it’s nature or a hindu deity), I asked for help knowing I absolutely needed some energy in shifting this “thing”……..Something occurred quite amazing. First, I noticed I felt immediately clearer in head. Then I felt space from “her”, or the feeling of anger…and space in realizing I was CREATING right now….and the stories create my body, my relationships and even effect things….Ill share more on that at the end.

Now I know that emotions can be “catchy” and that being able to express and feel emotions fully is healing…..Trying to fake being ecstatic or blissful all the time is truly bypass of authenticity and sadly missing a lot of wisdom that anger ( as I mentioned its’ benefits regarding energy) and sadness or grief offer. We danced some very sacred, and very heavy stuff this past weekend. I intentionally danced anger….stayed by myself, noticed subtle sensation, breathing, didn’t dance much or connect with others….I did connect with my higher power and my body in continuing to relax and find ease. At the end of both dances others shared their experiences and there were many moving thru illness, grief, anger ( not knowing I was also moving thru mine)…..It’s an interesting space and we all agreed how healing it was to be together with others who had completely different joyful, sensate experiences….while we each did our inner work collectively. It was good…..I also felt how important intention is in this practice to NOT stay in those deep experiences allowing potentially volatile emotions to LEAD. Thus my awareness this am to say “NO NOT TODAY”….I also became aware of the story that inflames or feeds this emotion and the “belonging” feeling of wanting to be with others who understand it, feel it, or agree with it….and honestly, NOT wanting THAT to re-establish a long old story that NEEDS TO CHANGE. ( ie. about the imbalance, about not being enough, etc)

So onward to driving my son to school. I INTENTIONALLY offered conversation that I thought would engage him more lightly while being honest in also stalking “HER” ( the undersurface anger) and breathing. I slipped a few times as traffic was heavy, a few obscenities and vocal grunts, ….But I still kept observing and waiting for a more patient feel. I put on a Buddhist talk and felt the vibration of the Lamas voice. I asked my son if he thought we’d get to school on time and he said “yes”….which I then noticed my self saying “thats positive thinking” as evidence over the last few weeks has been the opposite ….and you know what??? We got there early, the traffic moved fast. By the time I got home I kept feeling the energy of the anger and yet more space for a new story forming. I had stopped for a chai tea and got my older son a sandwich to help ease his waking time while also planning to use this fire I felt to get his help with cleaning up. It worked……and he found a way to actually FIX the dishwasher ………Along with this transformation the fire energy also helped me reach out to our fix it guy to get our deck and other things broken from the hurricane to be worked on.

So moral of the story…is ….that it’s important to separate the story from the facts. Sensations are facts. How we interpret them is a choice in whether we are looking thru the lens of “I” . This ego lens limits severely the outcomes and our ability to create with the sensations. It limits our listening, seeing, or opening to new possibilities…and often can have us searching for others who feel the same stickiness or keeps us in shame and avoidant or separating ourselves from others ( and opportunity to create). When we believe our own stories, we’ve created a rut. Like a fish isn’t aware ( at least Im not sure it’s aware) it’s in water, the water just “is”…..When we are in that strong deep belief it’s our interpretation that has the same inevitability….and our bodies have that same sensation ( that knee pain, back pain, stiffness…etc…)

Heres a question for you to consider next dance….What is the sensation? What is my interpretation of “this”? This could also be questioning about a person, an event, a work of art, a song, a tone of voice, a president, you name it……..What are the facts and what is the story? Then ask “ How is this interpretation serving me?” This question in regards to all the beliefs about being a woman I embodied very deeply/young serve in only in keeping me in a victim place, of wanting others to care for me, and of feeling “special “ in a less powerful way. It’s also a little bit of playing into what I DONT want to create…and that’s more stories of “less than” . Next question, “ What is the new story I want to be writing?”

This is where I will leave and start re-writing mine….again and again, and again. Stepping into my power to create each day, with positive force and receptivity to whats working in my favor…..as well as capacity to overcome obstacles like aging, traffic, things breaking..and well like hurricanes and centuries and millions of imbalances in our society at large.

Hoping this story lands with encouragement and grace. Much love, Kelly